Some of you may know that I have had continuous disability support assessment’s over the past few weeks, as I was advised to get some support in place. This meant I had to pour all of my worries and anxieties out to one person to write down on a piece of paper. On Tuesday, I had my last support assessment, in relation to the Social Work course. I had two options – to stay on the course and my mental health being a fitness to practice issue or me leaving the course and pursuing another course that was better suited to my needs, at the moment. Not an easy decision to make when you are really passionate about social work and helping people.
On Wednesday, I spoke to my personal tutor on my course, who also happens to be the disability support tutor for my faculty within the university. She asked me how I was feeling and then it all came out. Everything! My worries, my hopes and then I was hit with reality. I knew it was coming and I knew it all along. I’m not ready, I told her. She replied that it was okay. I didn’t want to break and put other people in danger. I look up her a lot and as I listened to her, I knew she was right. I have to think of myself. Changing courses was better for me, right now.
So then I had to think of a course that I wanted to change onto. By nature it couldn’t have a placement element, as that was where all my worries were. I trailed through the courses at my university and decided to choose a dual honours degree. I could pick two subjects that I was passionate about and study them. Perfect! I didn’t have many options on the table, so I picked Sociology and Politics.
I emailed the programme leader, explaining my situation and I felt optimistic. I was thinking of myself. I was hoping that I would get onto the second year of the course so I could graduate at the same time as I wanted to. I’ve already had two shots at university, I didn’t want to wait another year and graduate in 2018. But reality hit once again. I wasn’t allowed to go straight into the second year.
I was faced with a choice. Push myself to my limits and carry on with my social work degree or change course, go back down to first year and wait to graduate in 2018, There are a lot of pro’s and con’s, lots of personal reasons why one is better than the other.
I have now made my decision. I think it has been staring at me in the face.
I am no longer going to be a social work student. As much as it pains me to say that, I have to think of myself, my health and my confidence. I hope that this is the third time lucky for me. I really do. I applied to university at the age of 18, I wasn’t ready, I applied to university at the age of 20, got accepted, but the course wasn’t right for me, really…, so I hope that at the age of 21 (nearly!), that this time I am ready and that the course is right for me.
I won’t stop caring about social work, but right now I am the most important. I am passionate about sociology and politics and I think that I am making the best decision for me. I will get better in time, with the right help, which I am going to seek and I may do my Master’s in Social Work. Right now is just not the time for me. There is too much at stake. I am pushing graduation further away, but I hope I am making the right choice.
I also gave myself the option of leaving university, but I can’t do that because I have too much pride and dedication. Why throw my achievements so far? Now I think about it, it seems silly to even think about.
I’m going to complete my first year and I will still be blogging about my journey as a student and everything else. I know I have the support of my friends and family, so I hope you’ll keep supporting me by reading this blog!
I have a meeting with the Combined Honours programme leader on Wednesday, so I will update you all, with a mid-week blog post.
NB: I am still going to be studying at the same university I am at now!